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I like to shop around I’ve criticised Christianity a lot. Mainly as it’s the most available religion to me. It’s the religion of my youth and education; the faith on my street corner. I’ve read widely and studied lots of other religion too. Particularly Wicca and Buddhism, both of which contain elements that appeal and that I dislike. I have also looked at other kinds of philosophies and beliefs systems and alternative therapies. Psychology, New Age thinking, Healing and Taoism, to name but a few. I’ve been on courses with leaders in the ‘spiritual field’ and read all of the works of several other well-known names. There’s no doubt that I’ve had some very meaningful experiences; that I’ve learned a great deal and that all the things that I have done or learned have contributed to my path and growth in a myriad of ways. But, just as I can’t sign up to Christianity, I find myself in capable of truly signing up for any one of them. I think for a while I thought that none beckoned me as I was expecting because I hadn’t found ‘mine’ yet. Just as our society tells us that one day I’ll meet a man with ‘The One’ stamped on his forehead, also I believed that finding a religion or belief system would be the same. That I’d magically ‘just know’ that it is the one for me. The courses that I have been on have been very powerful for me and while they may have been painful at times, I’ve got so much from them, especially in terms of letting go of old beliefs that I wouldn’t change having been on them for the world. But I never wanted to become a workshop addict. There’s an implicit invitation in these courses – well intentioned I’m sure – to do the next course and the next course, from Beginner to Intermediate to Advanced level. With it comes an invitation to become part of the community of followers of that particular teacher. Problem is that it all felt a bit too like church to me. Putting all of my potatoes in one sack and looking to that one spiritual teacher to tell me what to believe. I just can’t do it. It’d be easier, so much easier, to buy into one religion/philosophy/belief system and just live it. I could follow the practices, learn all of the teachings and become immersed in living that way without having to think anymore. It sounds good. But I know that it just doesn’t work that way for me. It’s not my nature. I have to shop around and do my research before eventually creating my own belief, path to follow, course to take. I think perhaps some would call this a lack of faith because I’m not prepared to just buy into one particular way of thinking. Truth is, I’m suspicious of anything or anybody that promises it has all of the answers. Maybe I just have too many questions. My faith may be hard-won, but once I give it, it’s a bond that can’t be broken. My trust takes a long time to earn and I need proof. Maybe one day I’ll find it. Until then, I’ll keep looking. |